Referee. Coach. Fan.

Referee. Coach. Fan.

Nobody tells you that as your kids grow through life, your roles change.

I signed on to being a "mom" and totally knew exactly what that meant (said no one ever). But at least my role was clearly defined. Early on, my job was obvious if not ever easy:

A Good Mom will:

1. Feed child.

2. Clean child.

3. Do not misplace child.

When H&J were independently portable (ages 2-7), my role was clearly that of the referee. Their days were much like a basketball game. There was a scheduled game with other little beings, most of whom I had invited. I played "on the court" as they learned to interact. I blew my whistle when a player fouled. There was a set time frame for the game. And when the final buzzer went off, all players went to their own locker room for snacks.

A Good Referee will:

1. Establish the rules for the game. 

2. Enforce the rules of the game.

3. Determine when it is half-time (and provide concessions).

Later in their lives (7-13), the sport continued. They played at a higher skill level and we coached from the sideline. I called in plays. "Hey! Wear shoes!" or "Watch out- that guy is not playing fair!" or even "Time Out! We need to talk!". I wasn't actively running alongside them throughout the day, but they knew I was always on the bench. Ready to help. I knew the other players in the game, and had helped to choose a team that was a good match for H&J. 

A Good Coach will:

1. Practice and Execute the game plan.

2. Encourage the great plays; call for a Time-Out on the bad plays.

3. Make sure everyone on the team gets ice cream.

Now that H&J are launching their own lives, we find that we are definitely in the stands. Now don't get me wrong: we are actively engaged in their daily lives. In essence we are at every 'game', going to many of the practices and buying all the "I heart H&J" fan wear we can find! 

However, our role as a 'fan' is much different. It needs to be different. We need to be different. We need to cheer more wildly than ever before. They are entering a world that will criticize their every move, and we need to provide balance. 

When I watch my favorite team play, sometimes they make mistakes. I groan. I sigh. I wish they hadn't done that. And then I yell: "Get 'em next time!" And we move on. There are times H&J don't get it right. Surprise. And as a fan I can agree with their disappointments. But I don't leave the stands. I don't yell and get all crazy. I try really hard not to ever 'Monday Morning Quarter-back' because their heads are already filled with 'you-should-haves' and not nearly enough 'don't do that again and let's just move on'. 

A Great Fan will:

1. Believe so much in their teams that they paint their faces, buy the t-shirts and fight for bragging rights.

2. Cheer from the stands on good days and cry with the players on tough days.

3. Not get Technical Fouls for inserting themselves in the game.

Putting some labels on our roles has helped Mr. Mr. and I to set some boundaries. We have tried to give H&J age-appropriate responsibilities. We wanted them to handle some of their own issues while they were under our roof. If we managed everything (referee) until they left, then those first major conflicts would have happened when we were not there to coach.

I am not saying we got it right. I am saying that H&J survived.