Things To Do List.

1. plan to be spontaneous.

2. wash down Advil PM with an espresso. evaluate effects

3. rally around something.

4. catch a cold. let it go.

5. sing a song of sixpence.

6. stop. smell flowers. go.

7. contemplate thinking.

8. run for president.

9. plan for cataclysmic event.

10. follow the leader.

stress relievers

ruffles

hot bath

looking at van gough's starry night

read isaiah chapter 10

listen to my daughter sing

listen to my son drum (seriously. stress reliever)

listen to my husband laugh

organize a closet

nap

plan a vacation

re-read letters from my mom

plan an escape

catalyst.

last week i was at a conference with 12,000 of my closest friends. it was held in an arena which is latin for: giant people bowl.

we had gotten excellent seats. front row. on the floor. near the sweat. during one session i went to the restroom. which involved walking up 70 steps. that's right- no restroom on the main floor. it was a 70 step hike to the mezzanine, which is latin for: only fools sit on the main floor.

at the end of my restroom break i waited at the top of the steps. the session was ending. and then it happened: the break. and 12,000 of my closest friends were headed up the steps right at me. i plastered myself against the wall as they began to pass. i remembered how much i loved my husband who was on the main floor and whom i would likely never see again.

my moment came. 2 incredibly large men joined me near the wall. they too wanted to descend to the bowl! i listened and waited. and when they saw a space in the onslaught of people they took it. they began walking against the current. and i, like a vapor, attached myself stealthily to them.

it was working! i was going to make it down the steps! i had successfully spirited myself into the wake of those brave leaders before me.

and... after 4 rows... they ducked into their seats... row 4... with 66 rows left to go... these giant men were gone like the vapor i had tried to be. and i stood facing a large amount of bowl people prepared to tackle me.

i ducked into their row. row 66. smiled as if i wasn't terrified. and waited out the storm.

note to self: if you're going to follow, know how far your leader is going.

what if.

i have a lot of 'what if' moments in my life. usually the rearview mirror kind. the ones that begin with, 'what if i had done [blank] instead of [blank]?"

the kind that begin with old thoughts and end with new regret.

it's actually quite paralyzing to live with this 'what if' mindset.

last friday, i stood in our front room and looked out the window. i had a, 'what if...' thought. and as quickly as i finished that thought, the Lord gave me a new thought:

'if there is a 'what if' then there is no God.'

a life changing moment for me. you see He is saying that either He is in control of all things, past, present and future, or else He is not.

either He directs our steps or

He does not.

high maintenance.

When it comes to friendships, I am high maintenance.

To be honest, I think we all are. 

It takes more than one friend to support me in crisis, to run fast with me in service and to help me find my mind when I've misplaced it. 

It is unfair for us to expect one Best Friend to meet all our needs. And by the same token, I cannot meet all the needs of any one friend. If we could do that, if we had the ability to be everything that someone needs, then they would not need Jesus. 

So I step back, and I am profoundly grateful for the Circle that supports and sustains me:

she who encourages me to clean my bathrooms

she who knows my husband and explains his wiring

she who has a pantry I can borrow from

she who leaves her door unlocked for my kids

she who doesn't believe me when I say, "fine. just fine."

she who travels to the ends of the earth to see me

she who holds me accountable for time with my Lord

she who holds my hand when jumping in a cold lake

she who sits on the beach with me for hours and hours and hours

she who has smoked a cigar and giggled at the same time

she who listens to me on No Filter Fridays and forgives me

she who grants me grace in the stupid places of my life

she who is consistent

she who is spontaneous

it just takes a lot of 'shes'. 

don't go it alone.

and don't be threatened by others.

hmmm. more on that one later.