what if.

i have a lot of 'what if' moments in my life. usually the rearview mirror kind. the ones that begin with, 'what if i had done [blank] instead of [blank]?"

the kind that begin with old thoughts and end with new regret.

it's actually quite paralyzing to live with this 'what if' mindset.

last friday, i stood in our front room and looked out the window. i had a, 'what if...' thought. and as quickly as i finished that thought, the Lord gave me a new thought:

'if there is a 'what if' then there is no God.'

a life changing moment for me. you see He is saying that either He is in control of all things, past, present and future, or else He is not.

either He directs our steps or

He does not.

high maintenance.

When it comes to friendships, I am high maintenance.

To be honest, I think we all are. 

It takes more than one friend to support me in crisis, to run fast with me in service and to help me find my mind when I've misplaced it. 

It is unfair for us to expect one Best Friend to meet all our needs. And by the same token, I cannot meet all the needs of any one friend. If we could do that, if we had the ability to be everything that someone needs, then they would not need Jesus. 

So I step back, and I am profoundly grateful for the Circle that supports and sustains me:

she who encourages me to clean my bathrooms

she who knows my husband and explains his wiring

she who has a pantry I can borrow from

she who leaves her door unlocked for my kids

she who doesn't believe me when I say, "fine. just fine."

she who travels to the ends of the earth to see me

she who holds me accountable for time with my Lord

she who holds my hand when jumping in a cold lake

she who sits on the beach with me for hours and hours and hours

she who has smoked a cigar and giggled at the same time

she who listens to me on No Filter Fridays and forgives me

she who grants me grace in the stupid places of my life

she who is consistent

she who is spontaneous

it just takes a lot of 'shes'. 

don't go it alone.

and don't be threatened by others.

hmmm. more on that one later.

quote.

I wish I had written this:

"It's impossible to love God in a hurry. I typically view the person in front of me as an obstacle to accomplishing my true mission, but Jesus viewed the person in front of him as his true mission."

Vince Antonucci in I Became a Christian and All I got was this Lousy T-Shirt. Now, that's a good read.

For me it is easy to sit here on a nice, sunny afternoon and ponder who will be such a mission for me. Who will the Lord put in front of me tomorrow?

But the reality is that tomorrow I will forget today's conviction. Tomorrow I will be

• frustrated by the clerk at Wal-Mart
• irritated by the fry chef at Burger King
• annoyed with the insurance guy who calls
• and fed up with the warranty people on the phone

and at those moments, I am looking at myself. I am focussed on the interruption to my life. And I do not see what He sees. 

How foolish I am.

Area Codes.

Never realized quite how much significance can be found in 3 little numbers. Maybe it's because our family is spread out, maybe it's because we've moved 79 times, maybe it's because our friends have all moved 79 times... not sure why. But there is huge significance in the Area Codes that show up on my caller ID.

319: someone from my home farm in iowa is calling

563: some member of my family in iowa is calling from their cell phone

843: the beach. friends on the coast of south carolina are calling to check in
772: the other beach. friends calling.

515: governor of iowa. or my friend kim. usually kim

608: who IS that??? oh yeah. friends that moved to madison a couple years ago. still do not have their new numbers memorized

770, 678: someone new to me because i'm new to here

262, 414: someone from home, remembering us right now

I like the use of the word 'code' in 'area code'. It implies secret. It is a hint of something special, someone special. A secret clue to give me a hint about the gift on the other end of the code.

Twinkies.

I miss twinkies. Frozen twinkies. Little sponge cake landmines filled with cream goo. I miss finding mom's secret stash of hostess products. Most of them have unfortunate names that are no longer politically acceptable, but still delicious nonetheless.

Not having twinkies is my fault. 

No one else's. 

Choosing to take some moral highway of self-depravation that will theoretically be rewarding.

But I have replaced the twinkies with a one pound bag of M&M's. 

Denied the twinkies because I am above that.

Embraced the M&M's because... because... because they are littler?

Playing mind games with myself hurts.

But I enjoy the company.